Private tears, public smiles

Aug. 29, 2005, is a date that is seared in the memories of thousands. Hurricane Katrina ravaged the Gulf Coast in a merciless storm of wind, waves and tornadoes. Hitting land as a Category 4 storm, Katrina's storm surge washed away homes, barges, buildings, trees and lives. Her 170 mph wind uprooted Live Oaks, removed roofs and assisted in placing many homes on railroad tracks, on top of cars or left them in a heap of disorder. New Orleans drowned as its only protection crumpled under Mother Nature's revenge.

I arrived to the Gulf Coast on Nov. 6, 2005. Roads to Biloxi remained unpassable, survivors lived in tents and daily meals were provided by the Salvation Army. Four foot piles of debris were the only remains of entire lives. Foundations were the only view while driving west on Highway 90.

An overwhelming, indescribable feeling of disbelief and sorrow grew within me. Work began at 8 am and ended when we were exhausted. Gutting out houses everyday to get survivors back into them. Cold nights, when I awoke with frost outside my tent, I worked harder because I had a warm building to go to and many survivors only had a tent.

The visible grief in the eyes of those I met ate away at me. I got angry and I got sad. I cried privately and I smiled publicly to give any sort of hope. Thousands were displaced, thousands lost their homes, thousands lost loved ones and thousands lost their city.

One day at time, I would tell myself. One house at a time. I physically could not gut out each house flooded in the Gulf. Katrina flooded homes 16 miles away from the Coast. Nowhere was untouched. Anxiety would rise in me as I became overwhelmed with the magnituted of her destruction. Boats tossed on land, tress leaning sideways, cars on lawns, clothing tangled in trees, debris littered everywhere and entire neighborhoods washed away. I would see these images everyday. Progress was slow, so slow. I would see small changes in the large picture that would lift my spirit.

More help, we need more help. We need more hands, we need more money, we need more skilled labor, we need attention. Over and over again I would battle these thoughts in my head and release my frustration with sweat from swinging a crowbar. Don't give up, I would think. These people need the help. They are continuing to suffer because they cannot move on.

I did not work alone and to those that helped a day, a week, two weeks, a month, three months, five months and seven months, thank you. I gave seven months of my life to the survivors of Hurricane Katrina. I worked until I could not physically work any more. I worked until I could not properly function emotionally. I worked until psychologically I was falling apart. I became so angry, I was not providing the love I normally could to those around me and to myself. Each time I went to New Orleans, I became sick to my stomach because I saw neighborhoods and homes still untouched since Katrina. The stained flood line from the water that sat for two weeks reminded me of the awful reality thousands went through. The sickness spread to anger and the anger to unproductive actions. I left because the destruction Katrina caused was taking my soul.

Many still remain on the Gulf volunteering. Many still arrive to help. Thousands are still displaced and see no end in sight. It is not over. The news does not cover the Gulf anymore. It has been forgotten, like thousands who survived the worst natural disaster in America's history.

My friends who became my family down there will forever remain in my heart as the most valiant and compassionate individuals I have ever known. We have seen human suffering at its worst in America. We have felt the pain that has cut into the hearts of thousands. We know the truth, and will carry it with us for the rest of our lives.

Thank you to my parents, Jim and Denise, for their unconditional love and support. Thank you to my family, friends and community members that have supported me the entire seven months of work.

Thank you to David Campbell and Darius Monsef, founders of Hands On USA. Thank you to David Gossett for your belief and continued support. Thank you to Hands On Network for taking over and allowing work to continue.

Thank you Mark Travis, Melanie Asmar, and the Concord Monitor for allowing me to tell my story, to tell the truth.

As my mother prayed for me each day to keep me safe, I would pray for the strength to go another day. I would pray for the survivors that this hell they live in would end. Many survivors taught me the true strength of faith, and mass at St. Rose de Lima replenished my weary body and soul.

Please do not forget about those who continue to live in destruction, and those who have dedicated hundred of hours of free labor to help the thousands forgotten.

Ending this chapter in my life has left me a much a stronger person. My strengths were tested daily as the result of my seven months in the Gulf Coast. I am looking forward to finding an employeer in nonprofits or outdoor education who will allow me the opportunity to use my newly developed skills.

Hurricane season ... again

Hurricane season has begun. Our evacuation plan: leave base at any category, drive north to Hattisburg and stay in dorm rooms. We will bring water, food, gas cards, and chainsaws (to cut our way back if need be). I am definitely going to take my car because flood waters would certainly take the life of my already fragile, yet wonderful 1988 240 Silver Volvo. I do not know what Biloxi's evacuation plan is. The general population that we work with in East Biloxi are residents that could not evacuate for various reasons. The main reason is due to lack of funds.

Persevere is a non-profit organization that a friend of mine, Bill Driscoll, has begun in Pass Christian, which is 20 minutes west of Biloxi. Pass Christian is where Beau was raised, whose home was lost in the storm. Persevere began work already with the local church. We power washed the community building, and plan to take the rest of the drywall and insulation out of the church. Pass Christian is a ghost town. Many of the demolished homes have been removed by the town. The Catholic school across from Bill's building has been removed. Many buildings and homes gone forever, leaving a void in a once flourishing community. I gave many of the quilts donated from the kind and generous women of the Hopkinton Congregational Church to the daycare in the Pass. Bill's presence will revitalize the community and give them hope.

Hi mom, dad, Kate, Andrew, Grandma, Grandpa, and Uncle Jeff. I know y'all read my blog and I truly appreciate the love. I apologize for not calling often. Hope you are well and love you dearly.

Beth

I can't wait for next Sunday

Dear Mom,

I hope this letter finds you happy and healthy in beautiful New Hampshire. I hope our basement is all dry, and everything is alright after the flooding. Wow, crazy to think New Hampshire was flooded, goes to show you must always be prepared for the worst. Speaking of prepared, word down here is that the East Coast is at a great risk this hurricane season. You and dad should have an emergency plan. Always have a flashlight with batteries in a place you will rememember (due to part-timers), bottled water, food for at least two days that can be prepared without electricity, and an evacuation plan. When the warnings go out, make sure both cars have full tanks of gas and know where you want to drive to. Water can rise within seconds. Have a plan. Where will you go if water rises? The roof may not be high enough. Think about 100 mph winds. Board up windows. Think about the worst possible situation and plan the best you can. It is hard to think of the worst, yet as we all have learned, it happens.

Today, church in Bay St. Louis was incredible. I never thought that I would say church was incredible. The energy, passion and soul of the gospel choir is completely rejuvenating. Dancing and singing in celebration of each other and the Lord is positively one of greatest feelings I've had down here. If church was this fun growing up, I have a feeling a lot of us would have a different view on Catholisism. Father Sebastian spoke today of love. We all have love. We have love for each other and love within we want to share. Love is what brought us down to help and love that continues to work during this time of continued struggle, instead of sitting idling by. His words cleansed my soul with tears, because he recognized the passion that brought us down here. Love for the hurting and suffering is why I am here. That moment in church I felt so proud and content, because he was so right. I thank Father Sebastian for speaking so true from the heart. Rejuvenated, healed and fullfilled. I can't wait for next Sunday.

I have been taking care of JP for the past six days because he had a fever for three days, and totally got the shit kicked out of him by a virus. A virus ripped through base and left folks dehydrated from diarrea and vomiting. It lasts 24 hours and we call it the awful, awful. I only got tired and a queasy stomach, which is good, because I had to bring JP his meals (he finally started eating solid foods yesterday), water, and keep him company. I truly love taking care of people. A career in nursing is certainly what I will do when I decide I am done working in the Gulf Coast.

Niko, John, and Donnie went on a road trip up North. I am taking care of Niko's garden and his puppy, Boss. The cucumbers are massive, the basil delicious in the pesto, tomatoes ripe, yellow squash galore, so so good. JP and I were supposed to be getting his park tilled, yet with JP down for the count, we haven't gotten to it yet. It's ok, JP will be well in a few days, so we'll get the work done. Councilman Stallworth gave us the parks in Biloxi to repair. Kaboom is going to build playgrounds in two of them. So wonderful of them.

Trampled by Turtles is playing a free show for us this Tuesday. It is so generous of them. Check them out on the internet, they rock.

With the hurricane season starting very soon, folks on the coast are weary. Folks that still have no idea what they are going to do when they have to leave their trailer in 8 months are burdened with the helplessness of no ability to progress forward, and move on from the hell they endured and continue to endure. It truly is so heartbreaking.

Emotionally, I am doing great. Deubs is coming back on Friday well rested and eager to help the rebuilding process begin at Hands On.

Hope you are well and please tell everyone at Hoppy High I say hi.

Love,

Beth

Helping hands

Credit Suisse arrived on the coast with style and grace. Hard workers by day, generous celebrators by night. With their energy and fantastic work ethic, we were able to complete seven work orders in two days. They made a delicious Cinco de Mayo dinner for us all, and left us all in greater spirits. Thank you Credit Suisse.

Roofing in Bay St. Louis, which is forty-five minutes west of Biloxi, is a sweaty, tiring, sometimes dizzing, yet always successful day. Last week, I helped complete two roofs, and now there are two less FEMA tarps on the Gulf.

Nurse Kristin got a job in Gulfport and is renting a home in Bay St. Louis. We all visited her a couple nights ago, and hung out in a completed, non-damaged home. Being in a home on the Coast that I do not have to demolish, or demold, is a feeling of appreciation I never thought I would need to have. As the days get warmer and more humid, and the long-termer numbers get smaller, simple joys continue to not be taken for granted.

I am off to help JP put in a fence for his park along 90. Rebuilding is such a breath of fresh air.

Mr. President, I am Beth

My sister drove down with my from Michigan and stayed four days with me. She was able to live the life that I try to tell everyone about over the internet. Kate was overwhelmed at first, because truly, there is so much destruction. It was comforting to have family with me and wonderful for my friends to met a family member. Kate left on a good note and awakened to the truth. Thank you Kate, I truly appreciate you experiencing my life and work.

It has always been a challenge to articulate my daily life on the Gulf Coast over the internet. I never want my parents, family or friends to worry about me. Clearly, the environment that I work in each day is full of destruction and debris, so I understand the concern for my physical safety. I was trained very well from the beginning, and have become strong physically to know my limits and trust my instincts. My life is never in jeopardy doing the work I do each day.

Emotionally, we all know there are tough times. There have been days where my mind and heart have been fully consumed with depression; true heartache is felt here generally on a daily basis because of the passion within me to want to help the human race. Heartache is also felt due to my lifestyle, which involves eating, working, and socializing with the same folks everyday. You become so accustomed to each other. Time is warped here. Relationships are intensified because of the work we do and our lifestyle. You enjoy, and at times become attached to others' energy, their work ethic, their happiness, their compassion for others, and their strength. When you are down, there is always a friend to hug you, comfort you and listen.

These bonds do not come without grief. Burnout has the potential to take your soul. You are so very angry because you are so very tired emotionally and physically. Without breaks, folks just leave. One day they decide they just can't take it anymore, and leave. They leave behind people that have been a part of their life and this bond is lost. The person did not die, yet in our everyday world they no longer exist. We all have our time of grieving over their saddened or angry departure. We all go through the "I should have said this" or "why didn't we tell them to take a break sooner?" You can suggest a break, yet the passion within is hard to tame.

This has never been done before. No one has ever experienced a Katrina before. We are learning how to cope in order to help. Almost every moment of everyday I learn something new, whether it's how to drive a Skid Steer or say goodbye when someone has already left.

These past few days I have learned new ways to cope. I have learned how to cope with the absence of my two closest friends here. I only went four days without Rohde in my five months of work. Deubs was my Hurricane Camp brother. They are gone and denial was first, then realization that their era is over. Another chapter in Hurricane Camp was abruptly ended in tragedy. Deubs says he'll be back. I sure hope so. The heartache that ensued was awful. So sad, I was so sad. I spiraled downward. I felt my hurt and did not know what to do. It is easy to give up here. To say you've had enough. To try to cope with alcohol. The strength within gets tested everyday. Persevere or leave. I was not going to let this take me. I was not going to let Hurricane camp take my soul and another piece of my heart. My work is for the people. It is not about me.

My healing occured at Jazz Fest yesterday. Being immersed in the musical culture of New Orleans and singing along with Bruce Springsteen as he played We Shall Overcome mended my broken spirit. I have been broken and I have been wounded: I will never be beaten. Rising above the ruin and fully understanding that I cannot depend on anyone so much was one of the many lessons of yesterday and today. I am so tired of being angry and sad. So so tired of it. I am done being angry. It exhausts me too much. I am unable to give my best work and positive attitude when I am angry. It does not help the cause.

I met the President of the United States last Thursday. I had been fostering a puppy, Stewie, with Deubs. When we both were gone, JP, Russel and Niko took care of him. Stewie was our little buddy. We were able to give so much love to him and of course, being a puppy, he just became happier and happier. A misundersting took place and Stewie was given to the President's First Handler. Stewie flew home on Air Force One and is now living at the White House. Deubs wanted Stewie and so did the rest of us. Sadly, the plan was made without this knowledge and we could not keep Stewie. Another loss at Hurricane Camp. That same day, as the Secret Service secured the base, stood on the roof with rifles, I shook hands with the President. As I extended my hand to him and shook his firmly I proudly said: "Mr. President, I am Beth." He asked where I was from and I said New Hampshire. We smiled for a few pictures and then he continued to look me in the eye and told me I looked tired. I nodded and he told me to take a rest.

This comment shocked me. Mr. President, I suppose this is a compliment about my work. However, if you understood the truth down here, you'd realize that yes I am tired and I am tired because we need help. His comment made me angry. Yet, I am over being angry. Our work down here warranted a presidential visit, and the first puppy I ever fostered is living in the White House. There is always a silver lining, sometimes it's just so immersed with emotions, it just takes time to appear.

Russel left last night after Jazz Fest. I commend Russel on his positive departure. He knew he was weeks overdue and once he made his decision, he was so positive about it. He spoke of how he will be able to reflect on all of this and learn what it was. Our strengths and friendships do not have to end now. There is great potential in our future. He was one of the few long termers to leave on a positive note. He gave me such hope and I know my time here is not over, yet it is wonderful to experience a person so passionate about life say see you down the road so gently and kindly. Thank you Russel. Love you, love your work. Thank you Rohde and thank you Deubs.

The support of family

Rest is essential to do long term disaster relief work. Completely removing yourself from the affected area permits a mental and physical break definitely needed to stay sane. Currently, I am in Northville, Michigan, with my mom and sister, visiting my grandparents, aunts, uncle, and cousins. I drove from Mississippi to New Hampshire (24 hours) with one other, got my 1989 silver Volvo and loaded it up with quilts made by the women at the Hopkinton Congregational Church for the victims of Katrina.

My mom and I drove to the Catskills of New York, after visiting my brother at UMass Amherst, to stay with Hurricane Camp friends that have a home in the mountains.

We then drove to Michigan yesterday and were greeted by warm hugs, smiles and familar surroundings at my grandparents house. My family has supported me since the beginning and it is wonderful to spend time with them. Seeing me in person allows them peace of mind to know that I am alright. Sleeping in is great also because it is too hot in Mississippi to sleep past 8am.

My sister will be driving down with me on Wednesday. She is going to spend four days with me in Mississippi. We will be going to Jazz Fest in New Orleans and she will help me hand out quilts. I am excited for my sister to experience what my life has been for the past five months.

Prior to my break, Guillermo, a Dartmouth graduate from Maryland with a calm and wise demeanor, and I went on a mission at dusk to retrieve tools in East Biloxi left on a job site. We got see so many families playing outside, folks sitting on chairs chatting in front of their trailers. The strength of the survivors is humbling and it was so rewarding to see the families back in their city, a city we helped from day one recover from the storm.

Upon my return, I will remain in Biloxi for an unset amount of time. Now that I have my car, I will be able to drive north whenever I feel the need to rest emotionally and physically. For now, I will spend time with my wonderfully caring, kind, funny and supportive family.

Time for puppies

The sun is shining, birds are chirping, puppies are playing: spring is here. Our animal rescue team saved 26 puppies in Jackson from being put down yesterday. Many volunteers have adopted the cuddly, cute pups. The remaining will be brought to the Gulfport animal shelter. One of the greatest moments I have had here was playing with six puppies in the play pen. They are so alive with energy and jumped all over me, how can you not be happy with puppies? It was great.

The Hope 6 project is going well. Tiles are being smashed and nails removed. These will be low income housing for folks in trailers with no homes.

I am off to go drive the mold trailer to the site and then work on a building in Pass Christian.

Beth